Autoplay Image

Autoplay

I feel like a man who doesn’t sleep,
more like weeps in dreams.
Strange scenes litter my mind,
my eyes ache.
Leaving my head heavy,
like scrambled radio waves.

I catch a news flash,
I can’t quite remember
what is important.
The needle is stuck,
repeat, repeat.
Another listen?

I named my first blog Decoding Static, as well as my twitter account, because that is how it feels for me, as I process the world around me and its affects on me. A world of noise I am constantly trying to make sense of. A world I have never felt I belonged to, as I have struggled to be me amongst the noise. Between the world and me there is constant conflict, conflict that only hurts me, as I struggle to find my place. Yet, alongside this internal conflict, I am with someone who does provide me with a sense of belonging and more than that, a home. But, the noise and the conflict rages, as there is a hole in me, where love, compassion and curiosity for me should be, this emptiness is where I have nearly always found myself. There was once hope, the emptiness was shrinking, I felt enough and had a sense the conflict was coming to an end, but then such sorrow came from such love. I pinned another failure to myself. I encased myself in another layer of shame. The emptiness returned and there I reside. I keep re-tuning, I keep hoping I find home again. And all from shaky beginnings. Another read?

Posted: 25 February 2019